Pete’s Fish & Chips
1017 E Apache Blvd, Tempe, AZ, 85281
Pete’s Fish & Chips Menu
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Address :
1017 E Apache Blvd
Tempe, AZ, 85281 - Phone (480) 968-6265
- Website https://www.petesfishandchips.com
- Click To Get Directions
Opening Hours
- Mon :10:30 am - 10
Specialities
- Takes Reservations : No
Delivery : No
Take-out : Yes
Accepts Credit Cards : No
Good For : Lunch, Dinner
Parking : Private Lot
Wheelchair Accessible : Yes
Good for Kids : Yes
Good for Groups : No
Attire : Casual
Ambience : Casual
Noise Level : Average
Alcohol : No
Outdoor Seating : Yes
Wi-Fi : No
Has TV : No
Waiter Service : No
Caters : No
WE SERVE THE FOLLOWING STATES
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Cassie M.
Best fried/fast seafood spot in AZ. They don't try to compare themselves to ritzy fresh seafood joints. You are getting what you pay for.. A yummy cheap seafood grease party in your mouth. Huge fan of the fried shrimp and cocktail sauce. I would recommend eating your food there as take out orders don't taste the same after the drive home. I've read some of these other reviews, these folks are just missing the concept. As for all the million cars in the drive thru and long lines at the window.. These people get it and for some reason don't write reviews. I just wish you all would open one in the north valley!
(5)Dallas M.
No words...well, almost no words can describe this place. I was doing my husband - a native Phoenician - a favor one evening and picked up dinner for him at Pete's Fish & Chips. He explained to me how everyone knows that it's just fish bricks, etc, but that the red sauce is on point and well, you have to be born and raised in Phoenix to "get it." I'm going to assume that he's correct because, well, I watched them put a frozen brick of um, let's say packed fish, into a big vat of grease and then pull it out and stick it into a brown paper bag. The grease leaked through the bag and stunk up my car for a day or two. Honestly, I'm giving them 2 stars because of their length of time in Phoenix and being able to convince Phoenicians that what they're serving is fish and two because the drive-thru service guy was really nice.
(2)HG C.
I've never eaten here sober until last night. How is this place in business with multiple locations throughout the valley? I'm at loss for words to really describe how terrible the food is. And they've got the nerve to be expensive.
(1)Taylor T.
Absolute worst food experience I have ever had. "Fish and chips"... No... Just No... I can't stress enough DO NOT EAT THIS, take your sorry ass to McDonalds and get a fish sandwich. There is not a worse fish and chips on entire planet. It is honestly hard to believe that food could be so bad... Simply do not eat this garbage and eat other cheaper garbage and be 100% more happy. Cheers
(1)Jessica H.
Square fish... Ewwww... No, just no! How is this place still open??? The frozen fish from any grocery store is WAY better than their fish!!! Everything was bland and tasted like deep fried cardboard! I use to love this place as a kid... It was no where near how I remembered it! Super disappointed!
(1)Steph W.
Slowest Petes in the valley BY FAR. Waited 15 minutes at the the drive thru window for my food. They sure did take my money within the first minute of pulling up though.
(1)Sharon M.
Thank you God for listening, Pete's Fish & Chips finally closed at this location. This food was so nasty. I got sick to my stomach. This place was so bad, I swear I wanted to construct a picket sign and stand out front. All the bad reviews on this place I agree with. Frozen fish filets pre-packed French fries. How dear you call this a restaurant. Who gave these people a loan to start this business, cause I need to talk to them. Please Shut all of these places down. Gross beyond gross. Nastiest food ever.
(1)Lily R.
Was expecting something remotely resembling fish n chips...I have traveled to many coastal places in my childhood and past and remember the exquisiteness of real flaky cod filets and hearty potatoes. Run from the weird square "fish" chunks and less than sub-par not even fit for grocery store shelves "chips"!
(1)Kasie M.
All the above one/two stars comments are completely spot on. No need to repeat. I will not be returning.
(1)Dan Y.
Fish chips are delicious.. Everything is deep fry.. It is cheap and interesting.. But the environment is not good.. People only can eat at outside.
(3)Krista K.
Didn't care for our square fish or the sauce. Both of us ended up feeling and getting sick that night. I won't be returning. I don't understand the appeal at all.
(1)Inge K.
Those giving glowing reviews obviously never had fish and chips. The fish and chips I know doesn't come from the frozen food section of Safeway, and the frozen French fries that I put in the oven are better. And no tartar sauce - that would at least have made it somewhat palatable. Never ever again!!! Can I give it a minus star?
(1)Phil Y.
Greasy fish. It's A dive fast food restrant. This place is what gives fast food A bad name. The staff not nice. Dirty restrant.
(2)Jennifer M.
As I write this review, I am still waiting to poop this abomination out of my body in order to feel some semblance of normalcy. Rare is the day when you're driving down the road and DON'T see an "Im Addicted to Pete's Fish & Chips" bumper sticker. However, as a native Canadian who has been in the States for over 30 years and Arizona for about 27 years, I had yet to eat fish & chips below the 49th parallel. My husband, a Bay Area transplant, had a hankering' for some fish and chips and thought - "what better place to try than the one advertised on many a back bumper?" So off we went in the Ferrari of minivans... My husband asked how big the pieces of fish were - after all, you could get 4 pieces for under $7 - how big could they be? "About the size of a fish sandwich" said the guy behind the counter. that should have been our first clue.Both of us are used to pieces of fish being of the plate-sized variety. We didn't get "fish and chips". What we got was a mystery substance covered in cracker-meal then flash frozen for God knows how long before it's dropped in grease. EVERYTHING lacked flavor, except for the ketchup+Tapatio known as "Pete's Sauce". The "shrimp" - like the "fish" - was of questionable origin... about as authentic as the "Rolex" you can get from the guy with the trench coat in New York. The fries were bland - totally tasteless. Not sure what was in that plastic packet that claimed to be "Malt Vinegar". If the Mother Country knew these yokels were wearing the Union Flag on the backs of their uniform shirts, we'd be thrust into war with her, for certain! The whole experience forced me back into my Canada Rule. Never again. Really deserves no (or negative) stars... but Yelp won't let me grade that low.
(1)Alison T.
I had been here a couple of times while I went to school at SWIHA across the street. What a waste. I'm not really sure why people drive around with Pete's Fish & Chips bumper stickers and why people rave about it, or why anyone would give this place more than 2 stars because it's awful. Absolutely awful! First off, it's over priced for what you get and you're getting frozen food! NOTHING is made fresh. You get frozen square pieces of fish, frozen shrimp, frozen fries, frozen, frozen, frozen. You'd be better off going to your grocery store, buying it cheaper there and cooking it at home. It's sad when Long John's Silver's actually beats out someone in fish and chips. Plus even after they cook they're frozen fish squares it doesn't taste good. Its greasy and bland. Also the red sauce...yeah it's gross. I wanted tarter sauce and was told no. Second, service is appalling! Why are they so damn rude? The people servicing are disrespectful and always love shutting the little screen door in your face. They also don't accept credit cards, or debit cards. Really? Come on, catch up! The first time I came here I had to leave and go to Wendy's because I don't carry cash. So I had to try again another time, That was my first experience. There is no excuse to not accept cards nowadays; Geez, you can accept cards on smart phones, it's that easy!!! Lastly, hygiene. Ugh...gawd...gross. This place has got to be breaking alot of health codes. Their staff looks dirty, they constantly handle money with the same gloves they use to prepare food. Plus, I have seen staff go on cigarette breaks using the same gloves they use to prepare food. Just take your business elsewhere. Just listen to the majority of the people who have given reviews, most of them are NOT good because this place is terrible.
(1)Kalin T.
This is my go to place for when I want a fast food burger. The price of a giant double cheeseburger and fries will run you less than any typical fast food chain and taste much better. However, I have not ordered anything else from the menu so I can only speak for the cheeseburgers which keep me coming back for more.
(4)Kristopher R.
NO WAY. Dry, fishy smelling, square fish & chips. This is not even close to being edible. I would seriously recommend a McDonald's fish sandwich over this crap any day. A disgrace to fish and chips. Especially if this is supposed to be your restaurant's specialty. Pathetic
(1)Chheng L.
This location sucks balls. One of the guys walked off in the middle of taking my order because I didn't instantly respond with what drink I wanted for my combo. I literally glanced up for a second to see what they had and apparently that inconvenienced him. He handed the order slip to another guy standing next to him and said "Here you finish this order" and walked off. The guy taking over wasn't a doll either. He took my cash, gave me my change and closed the screen door on me without any "thank you" or anything. On to the food... Now, I never really like Pete's to begin with but I'll go because my BF loves it. I think mainly because he grew up eating Pete's, so it has become somewhat a childhood nostalgia. I don't like their fish at all but I find their shrimps decent so that's what I usually get. The shrimps I got here were over battered and overcooked, though. I had to tear off all the edges on them because they were way too hard to chew. Bad food and bad service. I will never come here again. Go to the Mesa one or according to my BF, the "real deal Pete's" on Central in S. Phx.
(1)Don S.
No. Every native Arizonan swears by this place...so much so that I just had to check it out for myself. And...? No. The fries were pretty good, and Pete's is generous with them. But the fish? I've had frozen fish sticks that tasted better than that stuff. Yes, I tried the shrimp too. Those weren't much better. So, no. Wait, their red sauce was kind of good. I do agree with people about that. But, what's the point of good sauce on rubbish food? So, still, no. Will I be back? I think you know the answer to that question.
(2)Debra D.
I would subtract stars for this location. The downtown Mesa location is like another restaurant. It is almost false advertising to call this Pete's! No messy fish sandwich? Are you kidding me? That's like no Big Mac at McDonald's! Do us all a favor and close this joke of a restaurant!
(1)Jessica S.
Was highly disappointed with this place after hearing good things... the good things were lies I tell ya, all lies. This fish was just awful and some of the saltiest stuff I have ever put to my lips. I didn't eat what I bought and I won't be going back. Long John Silver's looks like gold compared to this place.
(1)André E.
I don't know if they're putting crack in the the shrimp, but just thinking about it makes my mouth water. And even thought he "Pete sauce" is a fairly easy mystery to solve and make on my own, I always order extra because I ALWAYS run out. The one thing I've got to say is germaphobes should just hit up the drive through - one word: pigeons.
(4)Ernesto F.
People who rate this place poorly are probably not fans of fish and chips. If you want fried frish and french fries with a good sauce to dip them in then this is the place for sure. If you want a lavish meal similar to having smoked salmon along side delicately prepared potatoes, then you're at the wrong place.
(5)Lynwood J.
We enjoy the food. We think it's a good value. The people directly interfacing w/ customers are fairly nice at all the locations we've purchased from. HOWEVER ... all the locations display signs that implicitly tell the customers 'You and all your petty little demands bother us'. Wifey and I know Pete's as "No-No's" ... Want stuffed mushroom caps on Fridays? Forgedaboudit! Pete's can't be bothered: "NO mushroom caps on Fridays." We the customers are obviously there to serve them. Want to swipe your debit or credit card? Not happening at Pete's, no sir! Pete's doesn't want 98% of your money, they want ALL 100%! "NO credit or debit cards," says the sign by the window. Want change for a $50? Work that out with your bank: "NO bills larger than $20." GREAT businesses are those who anticipate customers' needs and serve them better than anyone else. Here's what's going on at Pete's -- Pete died years ago, and his great ideas along with him. His daughters carry the business forward, but certainly not with the zeal, inspiration, and dedication of the original owner. Maybe they figure carrying pop's business along beats getting real jobs. Pete's is an idea that has grown long in the tooth. It stays in business because of a host of people satisfied with 'okay' food and service who aren't interested in much else. Want a REALLY GREAT fish and chips experience? Get ye over to Seattle's Best Fish & Chips, 9015 E. Via Linda in Scottsdale -- SE Corner of Via Linda and 90th St. The contrast between Seattle's Best and Pete's is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug. Note Seattle's Best's YELP reviews, and you'll see what I'm talking about. So long, No No's !
(2)Patrick S.
True story- My brother and I were talking about Tempe... He was there to visit... was waiting for some great home cooked food, right? Well mom came home with none other than a family size bucket of KFC! Brother said screw it! I'm going to Pete's! That's the review. Best fish and chips in AZ.
(5)Brian B.
Nice customer service but that's it. Worst fish and chips I have ever had. And their Pete's sauce sucks hard. Seriously please don't ever eat here. I have stomach ache.
(1)Amber W.
I have always wanted to visit Pete's as a sort-of ASU experience before I graduated. I went with some friends, had a great time sitting on the upstairs patio, and enjoyed some fish and chips. The fish was nothing to write home about, and if you're looking for actually delicious fish & chips and not just a cheap Tempe staple, you'd be better off going to Rula Bula or 4 Peaks (which have fantastic beer selections to boot). Also, the staff was kind of annoying. They didn't know what my friend wanted when she said "chips" despite the name of the place, and when I asked for fish with a small order of fries he laughed at me and said "you know that that COMES with fries, right?" Uhm, no, rude. Overall, nice place to sit outside at night and hang out with friends.
(2)Christie T.
I'm sorry but for the price I paid, I would much rather purchase my own processed freezer fish sticks because that is what they taste like. Before my absolute last visit here, I ate here several years ago and could swear I ate filets, not perfectly squared fish sticks. The staff was very pleasant which I always appreciate, but damn, my hungry stomach was sad to see what was placed in front of me. I'm sorry but I definitely will not be coming back. Boo.
(1)Jacob M.
Not a fan at all of this place. Sure I'm biased as I grew up in New England, but seriously this is just terrible food, terrible service, and really not worth the money. I was trying this place for a second time to give it a fair chance. My fiance and her friend love this place so I went along to give it a second shot. When I pointed out to a friend that was eating the shrimp that if he peeled off the breading and looked at how much shrimp was in there he would be suprised... He did it and just as suspected there was a little piece of shrimp about the size of a maccaroni elbow stuffed into all of that breading. All we could do was laugh... this place is a joke.
(1)Tiffani G.
I checked the ratings on Yelp before visiting this place. Everyone went on and on about it saying how if you live in Phoenix it's the place to go. Uh....NO. It was disgusting. It was over priced for what it was and not worth it at all. My advice...if you're looking for fast food seafood just go grab some frozen food and put it in the oven. That's going to be much better than anything you're going to get here.
(1)Jon N.
I knew this place had poor reviews before Yelp was even around but was in the area in search of food. I improvised and went to one of the first places nearby. I ordered a combo that was 2 pieces of fish, 7 shrimp, fries and a drink. Came out to just under $10. For price comparison, the same thing at Long John Silver would be $5-6. The shrimp were flat out awful. They butterfly the shrimp to make it look bigger and then overload it with heavy batter before frying it. I removed one of the shrimp from the breading and noticed it was probably 10 times smaller than the amount of batter used. They use realllllly small shrimp, like 50-100 ct used in cheap shrimp cocktail platters at the grocery store. The fries are below average. If you are going to have "chips" in your name, you need to have some of the best fries around. They do not. Their fish was okay because it wasn't overly greasy but again their breading is so thick and heavy it ruins it. Fried fish should have a light batter. In fact, nothing should ever be fried in the batter they use. To top it off, their fish is served in the most natural of shapes.... a square. If I want awkward looking fish, I'll head to the frozen section and get some fish sticks. I saved the worst for part of the meal for last. Their signature sauce. That stuff was awful. It tasted like it was 50% water and 45% ketchup and 5% vinegar. They don't give you any tartar sauce, no malt vinegar and nickel and dime you for sauces on the menu. I figured some other staples for this type of meal would be included but I was wrong. I didn't even get to drown the bad food in a decent sauce, it was just more mediocrity. On to the most obvious quirk about the place, cash only. If you are a cash only joint I assume you are trying to save the fees associated with accepting them and keeping your prices down. Then why is the food so expensive? It certainly isn't high quality. It certainly isn't any good. Bad fish + bad shrimp + bad sauce + bad fries = 1 star.
(1)Mike F.
If you like your food fried, then this is the place. I never venture inside anymore because I'm afraid of slipping on the accumulated decades of lard and vegetable oil. If they find a detergent powerful enough to clean it up, I will know that the end is nigh. Everything at this place is deep fried, even the cheeseburgers. It is all delicious, except strangely for the fries, which are below average. If you would have asked me to rate Pete's 15 years ago, they would have received an extra star, but with the state my arteries are in today, I just can't pull the four star trigger.
(3)Le C.
Ugh!! Why is this place popular???? We ordered a variety of items from the menu and found all the frozen fried foods completely, really, COMPLETELY unpalatable. Obviously they cater to individuals who are taste bud deprived and hankering for a heart attack to end their miserable lives. Never, never again and I'd advise abstinence by all.
(1)Samantha C.
This place is for drunk people with the munchies. Or people with a serious lack of fresh fruits & veggies. Either way Pete's knows what crowd it appeals to and serves them without overcharging. Seriously this place is less than most fast food "dollar menus." Yes it is all fried and dripping with grease, but if you don't want to eat it there is a Pita Jungle right across the street. You came here for a reason. To spoil yourself rotten. The fish sandwich is quite good, fries remind me almost of McDonald's before they changed their method and resources. I will be back to bravely try the coleslaw and perhaps a burger. Customer service tops most other places in the valley, they are friendly and aren't afraid to be honest about the less than impressive items on the menu. I also asked for a free bumper sticker and was given a pencil, magnet, and take away menu in the bag. Talk about going above and beyond! I love the heaters when you sit down to eat, they are so warm even the table and benches stay toasty.
(5)Eugene T.
WARNING - Not fit for human consumption!!! Wholly shitz what a disappointment. My UK friend and I decided to go there for lunch to check it out. Neither one of us held our breath very much for it but never the less... We did not expect bland frozen square fish product patties with equally nasty previously frozen tasteless fires. Yes, they are not chips per say, just yeacky french fries. 1st stop as we got back to the office was bathroom and even now my stomach unhappily rumbles under the desk. Down boy, down! It will pass with time. Disgusting all around. Possibly even insulting. PS: And WTF is up with not taking credit cards? Scamming "The man"?
(1)Kay W.
This location deserves a bad review so others won't waste their money on bad food and rude service. Let's start with the service. The employees act like you are bothering them by coming in and wanting to place an order. Last time I checked without customers a business will probably close. Now on to the food review. In the last few months the quality has gone down every time we have been there. First it started with the shrimp coating being gooey like it wasn't cooked at a hot enough temp, then the have decided to change the breading all together. This new breading is gross. It reminds me of something I would find from a bag in the frozen food aisle. Pete's recipe for the shrimp has been the same for many many years why change a good thing. If it ain't broken don't fix it. Then the fact that they only except cash makes me wonder how much us each location reporting to the government. Don't get me wrong if I could sell gross food to massive amounts of people for unreportable amounts of CASH I would do it too. They have lost my business with this latest change in the breading on the shrimp.
(1)Nicole R.
15 minutes after my wait in the drive thru of "cash only" I couldn't help but think about the negative impact this business has on the environment. I see several cars ahead of me receiving several bags of food. It starts to make sense "why the wait"; large orders. Finally my turn! I think to myself; "this should be quick, my order is small"... 6 more minutes later I finally get my change and food. What I learned about my stay at the window... One person's job is to check to see how many cars are coming while the other two prepare food, with no sense of urgency, I've seen molasses move faster. Upon arriving home I see my hot food is sitting in styrofoam. Nice Pete! My mushrooms are just water battered in salt and there is an excessive amount of "chips". I generally don't like wasting food, but, as I am not a pig and all I wanted we're fish and "mushrooms" I did throw some away. I don't imagine this food ages well. Needless to say; I experienced them, I don't get it and I will not be back.
(1)Janel J.
I went to the establishment in Tempe, AZ. I ordered the #5, chicken strips and fries. The entire meal consisted of salt. I could not even eat because salt was everywhere even in the bag. Never again will I eat here.
(1)Jaime M.
Nasty, tasteless nuggets of over-fried batter. Even Long John Silvers is better than this dump. Of course if you're a drunk college student you may enjoy this after a night at the bar.
(1)Chelsea D.
Pete's is a love it or hate it place hands down and if you have grown up in the valley you are way more likely to love the fried everything with a side grease menu. If you are looking for anything else other than that you have come to the wrong place.
(5)Elle T.
3.75 stars. Fish sandwich better than most. Scallops & chips for under $4. Fried mushrooms and zucchini w/ranch. They've got burgers too if you're getting for a group of peeps and someone isn't keen on fish. Don't bother w/the "crabettes" b/c they're just imitation crab sticks deep-fried. You'll also wait a good 10-20min, even at the drive-thru. But I'd rather go here any day if given the choice b/w Pete's and a national fast-food chain. I'm not addicted, but I do have some love for Pete's.
(3)Sam V.
They only take cash and it's in a not so nice area.I'm the only one in the drive-thru yet it still takes a good 15 mins for my food.The staff look like ex-cons/trailer trash.As for the food it self it's nothing special.The fries are bland and the fish is ok.The pete's sauce is pretty much hot sauce and ketchup.Total hole-in-the wall kinda place
(1)Steve E.
Not quick, but freshly cooked food. Great fish and chips and fried sides like the deep fried mushrooms and zucchini. There's a little bit of outdoor seating available and no indoor seating. This is a mostly "to go" kind of place, and with gas prices as they are, you probably won't want to sit around in the drive thru waiting for your food with the car running. Friendly employees, good food, and decent prices. It's no wonder this is a Phoenix area institution. Be sure to bring cash. They don't accept credit cards and they don't accept checks.
(5)Adam M.
Gorton's in the toaster is better than this vile crap. They charge extra for their bad tartar sauce. Avoid.
(1)Daniel R.
You are nasty Pete, especially here in Tempe. Fast food, that doesn't come out that fast, served by greasy staff in a greasy space.
(2)Arty M.
Place is so grossss total dump, I recently went to tempe for spring training and this place was right next door to our hotel "comfort inn" this place is a dump big mistake food is like rubber and greasy not to mention you have to pay sauce??? that is just stupid not to mention it's cash out, that should of been a red flag for dump. Gave me an upset stomach
(1)Stacy C.
I agree, cheap eats! Nice, greasy, fried food. I just wish this location was open on Sundays because I always want Pete's after a late Saturday night. The sauce is my favorite! Fish, shirmp, fries, and rings. Can't go wrong. They even have burgers too! I always get a huge order of sauce to take home and cook with. it is the perfect combination of tangy, spicy, and sweet. Get extra sauce . . . you'll thank me!
(4)Massiel P.
I've had mediocre food, I've had bad food and on occasion I've had food that has made me angry. Pete's made me furious. The perfectly rectangular, frozen fish had more breading than actual fish; as well as the shrimp. No flavor whatsoever, except for the heap of salt they piled on. The "cocktail sauce" is a mix of watered down hot sauce and marinara sauce. The fries were limp and greasy. The onion in the onion rings were non-existent, all breading. Heed all the reviews; this place is vile. You're better off going to Long John Silver's.
(1)Kona Boy P.
good and cheep this is a institution next to asu 100,000 's of poor students have fought off starvation here for 50 years
(5)Kim F.
Frozen fish filets and "shrimp" product straight from your grocer's freezer at fresh fish prices! This place is so gross. Their fish basket special includes one small rectangular piece of frozen fresh and some very questionable fried "shrimp". I've never been so disappointed upon laying eyes upon an order before. Please don't go here, it's disheartening. Also they charge $.50 extra for tarter sauce even though you already paid $8 for a stupid fish stick and $1.00 for a refill. I could understand if they had to keep fresh stock or something but they don't. They should change their name to Pete's yuck and chips.
(2)Joe K.
For some reason, I don't know why, I had heard that Pete's fish and chips was a Tempe staple...if this true I have no idea why. I mean, sure, the place is extremely well priced (3 of us ate here for less than a Jefferson). But I guess you get what you paid for because when my order arrived I hadn't been so disappointed since the Lost series finale. The "fish", i guess that's what I ate, was hard as a rock, I was thinking about taking it home to play street hockey with later...it was that bad and it had no flavor what so ever. Our meals also came with some "shrimp" and again, the dubious quotations are necessary. I have never ate "shrimp" like that in my life..it was a small amount of shrimp-esque mush fried in a few tablespoons of batter...and it was similarly unflavorful..unless you call grease a flavor, which I do not.
(2)Chris C.
1 And ye the LORD looked down upon the earth 2 and He saw a hovel on Apache Boulevard 3 and saw fit to populate it with a mere approximation of pescetarian "food" for 4 our God is a vengeful, spiteful, cruel God. 5 The sins committed by the men of Tempe were so wicked as to deserve such punishment 6 that they were never to be spoken of. 7 A pile of horrible, tiny pieces of fish-meal 8 are the LORD's manna from hell, 9 a punishment unlike any other on the soul, mind, and stomach. 10 Requiring only the smallest number of shekels, 11 God sought to tempt even he without sin 12 into sampling its putrid fruit, 13 the punishment for partaking not unlike that of Adam and Eve, having partaken of the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. 14 As they bit into the crusty, bland fish, 15 they became aware of their horrible betrayal of God and their stomachs 16 and were banished to the restroom for the rest of the evening. 17 "Frozen chunks of pressed fish meal does not fried fish make" sayeth the LORD, issuing several commandments. 18 Thou shall not try the Pete's Sauce for it is awful and I hath spewed it from my mouth as it was lukewarm and tasted horrible. 19 Thou shall not give in to temptation for cheap fish, when it is known that Pete's is neither cheap (for one's soul, if not the wallet) nor fish. 20 A curse upon the household of any man who tries the hamburgers. The cramping of 10,000 stomachs shall be felt upon your own gut, a horrible taste left in your mouth for eternity. 21 You will forever recall the intense disappointment I feel of you as you feel for the meal you consume at Pete's. 22 It shall cast your mouth and gut into a furnace of fire: there shall be wailing and gnashing of teeth. 23 The serpent may tempt with "chips". 24 "Do not heed his words," sayeth the LORD. They are soggy, ill-prepared, and above all, flavorless. 25 The breading hath no flavor but sadness, the fish no flavor but bland meal, both betraying its true genesis: 26 A frozen, preformed patty of processed misery. 27 God condemned this abomination and called, "you are not one of my creatures!" 28 "They shall take only cash, as not even the credit card companies dare near their tainted field," God commanded. 29 The seventh angel will pour out his bowl into the air, and a loud voice will come out of the temple of heaven, from the throne, saying, "It is done!" And there were noises and thunderings and lightnings; and there was a great earthquake, such a mighty and great earthquake as had not occurred since men were on the earth. 30 Now the city was condemned to only ever eat from Pete's forevermore, an eternal damnation, a hell on earth, the sins of man so great, the punishment fitting with God's will.
(1)